My Tools are talking to me

As many of you know, I work a lot with power tools; building walls, floors, decks, etc. Over the last couple of years I have noticed that a few of those tools seem to be talking to me, have an accent, and are creating movie sound effects.

Recently, while working at a shop up in Felton, CA. I was using an old bandsaw. This creature stood probably seven feet tall, was green, and as I ran wood through it, it made the sound of an alien spaceship. Not a modern spaceship though - it was more like the kind in the old movies, perhaps from the 60's. Every time, as I worked that machine, my mind drifted to thoughts of aliens landing in a corn field somewhere and taking over the nearby town. Soon, spacecraft would land all over the world and dominate earth....

Another tool that talks to me is the wet saw we use to cut tile. I swear as I run the tile through the saw it says, "Steeeevieeee Darrroooooowwwww". (Stevie Darrow was a guy in high school that one of my friends had a crush on. A couple of us would tease her by saying his name all drawn out - in an almost incomprehensible way, yet she would realize what we were saying and pretend to get all mad at us.) Everytime we work on a floor I think back to those old days in school.

But perhaps my favorite tool that talks to me is my Italian Router. No, it is not made in Italy, it actually speaks Italian. A router, for those of you who do not know, is a little tool that has a very fast moving bit in the center that is used to, well, rout out wood. Sign makers use them; perhaps you've seen them making signs at the fair. They are also used to create a fancy edge to a piece of trim... anyway, they make this high pitched whirring sound, and as they run along the wood, the pitch changes, speeds up and slows down.

I don't speak Italian (boy, I'd love to) but when I was little, my best friends were Italian, and their mother would make fresh ravioli and speak Italian as she did her chores.

My router sounds just like her, speaking fast and animated, running through the house, yelling at the kids, telling her husband to get off the couch and bring in some wood for the fireplace.

Most of the time, when I am using the router, in the noise it creates, I talk back to it in pretend Italian, yelling back, carrying on an important conversation and making a lot of noise.

I am glad that I work by myself most of the time, though I guess I don't really care if others see or hear me.

"There is that guy that talks to his tools in Italian!" they would say. "He even thinks that some of them are going to take over the world!"

Mothers would hold their children close to them, walking on the other side of the street if possible, and warning the kids to "stay away from the crazy man who talks to his tools."

But I bet a few lonely souls out there would smile a secret smile, nodding in my direction. They too, have been known to hear things, to take their imagination a step further and create in their minds what is not apparent to the average person.

We are kindred spirits - we talk to our tools.